The funniest reader quotes of 2011

Here are our top picks for the funniest reader quotes of 2011 that’ll leave you chuckling out loud!

Thank you for all the laughs, dear readers!

On Scrubsmag.com…

You know you’re a nurse when you’re…

• Eating your lunch while looking at very detailed, graphic pictures of wounds and then realizing the guy who brought the lunch was ready to throw up watching you!
• Cleaning up explosive BM and commenting to your coworker that you’re really hungry and could she please cover for a few minutes while you eat?
• I guess, in general, being hungry at times that would make most people want to get sick.

—AaronLPN on 10 humorous ways I knew I was a nurse

I work in a pediatric intensive care unit and we swab every patient’s nose on admission for MRSA. Everyone knows you can’t just run up to a five-year-old and shove a Q-tip up his nose, so I’ve come up with some creative approaches to do my test and avoid the kicking/screaming. I’ve also gotten some equally creative responses from my patients. The best one comes from a five-year-old boy.
Me: Have you ever picked a booger?
Patient (duuhhh!): Well, yeah!
Me: Well, I have to take this little Q-tip here and pick one of your boogers… (showing him the Q-tip) Are you ready?
Patient (exasperated): Well, they’re all gone!
Me: Well, I have to try once anyway. I’m just going to tickle your nose.
The patient reaches out his pointer finger to me, which happens to have a perfectly rolled green booger on the end of it.
Patient (in his most helpful tone): Here, I already have one for you!
—Amurichu on Kids say the darndest things

Yeah, right. I want to see a robot turn and reposition my 80-year-old patients—and oops—clean, change and apply butt cream to them!!! That would be priceless. Come on…show me!
—Catjmoses on Nursing jobs opening up, they may be filled by robots

I worked private duty at a skilled living facility. There was a elderly gentleman who lived there, and more often than not, you could find him sleeping somewhere (bench out front, lobby, dining room). He loved to snooze. One evening, a group of residents was going on the transport bus to enjoy a dinner out. Joe (not his real name) was taking a catnap on the bench out front. A nurse called out to him: “Joe! Would you like to go out to dinner with us?” Joe, peeking his eye open, asked, “Where are you going?” The nurse replied, “The Olive Garden!” He considered this for a moment and returned to the nap. With his eyes closed, he said, “No thanks! I don’t like olives!” I’ve never forgotten him!
—Akaplan254 on The craziest thing a patient has ever said…

Read this in a chart when I first started nursing 16 years ago: “Pt c/o of stopped up head but has pus-sy drainage noted from nose.” NO, this is not a joke!!
—Karen Southard RN on More goofy hospital chart bloopers

How about a list of [crazy patient names]: La-a (mother pronounced it La-dash-a…yes, you pronounce the punctuation in that name), twins whose names were spelled Lamanjalo and Oranjalo (but pronounced like Lemon Jell-O and Orange Jell-O) and, last but not least, Honey Bear (I’m a peds RN). Poor children….
—JPNPAC on Nurse Jane: The baby

When I was a student nurse we worked some clinical hours in a burn unit. One of the patients was a man who received the most unique birthday cake (baked by his mother-in-law) that I have ever seen. The cake was in the shape of a woman’s torso, complete with big boobs and wearing a blue bikini. The surprise? When the birthday man cut into the cake (between the legs at the bakers’ insistence), he found a CHERRY inside! Needless to say, he met his high-calorie needs for that day!
—Granny RN on Nurse Cake Wrecks!

You forgot this one: The ability to tape down an IV so invincibly that you can suspend a three-year-old from it. (-:
—Jparadisirn on You know you’re a pediatric nurse when…

I’m a “float nurse.” I work for pretty much every department at four local hospitals! Here are my signs that it may be a crazy shift:

1. Your patient greets you by saying, “I want to tell you a secret! I can get out!”
2. He’s in a soft cage restraint and you see that the zipper actually IS broken!
3. Your patient has police officer(s) in the room with him and isn’t supposed to have sharp objects to eat.
4. Your patient greets you by saying, “I run my own company and I work with many beautiful women like you”—his company is an escort service.
5. You walk in at the start of a 12-hour shift. Security is there for your patient. You go to assess the situation and see your patient pull out a Jackson-Pratt drain, drink the drainage and run into the bathroom to hide!

—Marsha Meehleib on You know you’re in for a crazy shift when…

We once had an aide change her scrubs because she was wearing white scrubs that you could see right through. Her choice, sure, but we all couldn’t help but chuckle, as her panties were inscribed “Stop looking at my a**.”
—JBRN on White uniform-approved underwear

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