Top 10 things patients have said to me

With apologies to David Letterman…the top 10 things patients have said to me:

10. “How much would it cost for you to date my son? I’m worried he’ll never find a woman because of his health problems, but I figure you’re used to that sort of thing.”

9. “Don’t you think Dr. Smith is cute?” (Asked while Dr. Smith was performing a lumbar puncture. My response: “Where?”)

8. “Come here and give me a kiss, sweetie!”

7. “I’m allergic to Tylenol and acetaminophen, but I can take Lortab without a problem.”

6. “You should meet my nephew’s wife’s cousin. He’s a used car salesman, and he’s looking for a girlfriend.”

5. “I’m allergic to oxygen.”

4. “If I hold this crystal up to my head, it’ll keep me from having a reaction to that drug that I’m allergic to.”

3. “Dilaudid only works if I can smoke right before I get it.”

2. “You’re too smart to be a nurse.” (My response: “Okay, well, I’ll try to find a stupid person to take care of you.”)

And the number one thing a patient has ever said to me in the course of my day:

1. “I had a hysterectomy for a big tuna in my uterus. A big fibroid tuna.”