What to do when “it” just isn’t in the cards…
One of the common stresses on a relationship is when one person wants sex more than the other, and being a nurse often leaves people too tired, wound up or burned out to enjoy sex. Unfortunately, it’s really easy for partners to experience this as rejection, which often leads to more distance. When that happens, it’s also common for either or both people to feel resentment, which is one of the biggest relationship killers.
- I always think it’s a good idea to talk about sex when you’re not in a sexual setting. Sit down after dinner or go for a walk and talk about what does and doesn’t work for you. Ask your partner to tell you what you can do to make things easier. Tell each other what your hopes and desires are. Share some of your sexual fantasies. Doing that during a non-sexual time can make it easier to hear each other without taking it as rejection. If this is challenging, you might want to work with a therapist. A skilled couples therapist will help you stay focused on the goal of keeping your relationship healthy and happy.
- It can also be useful to find other ways to express care and love. A lot of people (especially men) are only used to showing these feelings through sex, which can put couples in a bind when sex isn’t on the menu. Try using your words or doing something nice for each other, or go and do something together that you both enjoy. When you have more ways to show you care, it takes the pressure off of sex and actually gives you more room for sexual connection.
Ways to keep your ongoing sex life…well…going
- In addition to letting go of any specific notions of what sex means, shift your focus. If you can make room for the goal of sex to be creating connection with your partner, building intimacy and feeling good, rather than intercourse and/or orgasm, you’ll open up a whole range of possibilities and choices.
- If you don’t know where to start, get a few how-to guides, either as books or DVDs. Learn a little about some of the erotic possibilities and try a few of them out. But don’t let sex become a chore or you’ll risk ruining your libido.
- Be sure to have other fun ways to be together. When you do enjoyable things as a couple, whether it’s sharing a hobby, going to a football game or taking the dog to the park, you’ll build connection, and that is one of the foundations of a happy sex life. Invest an hour in the non-sexual parts of your relationship and you may find that sex feels better, which creates a cycle of pleasure. Even a few minutes can have a positive impact.
And remember, you give a lot of your time to helping other people. You deserve some pleasure, too!