The five types of patients that drive me around the bend

We’ve all had ‘em…patients who drive everyone in the hospital absolutely bonkers! Here are the five types of patients that make me crazy (and not in a good way!):

1. The Hyper-Caller
Seriously? I was just in your room, three minutes ago, and I asked you straight out if you needed anything else before I left. Pain medicine? Ice? Bathroom? A change in position? A chest of gold and an ermine cloak? You said no. Now you are calling again, asking me to turn down your thermostat by a whole two degrees.

You called 12 times between 6:45 and 7:15. I am about to tape your hands to your sides.

2. The Dr. Oz Groupie
Here’s a tip: just because you saw it on daytime TV doesn’t necessarily make it so. It’s no skin off my nose if you don’t want to take your medication; just tell me so and I’ll chart it. What I don’t need is a lecture on how Metoprolol messes with your energy flow or how you cured your diabetes with cleanses and oil-pulling.

3. The King of Comparisons
Things are different at different hospitals. Pharmacy formularies vary, as do room service menus. Some hospitals have one brand of shampoo caps, while other hospitals carry another brand. Guess what? Grousing at me about how much better Hospital X’s toothbrushes are will neither impress me nor make me run over to Hospital X and borrow a toothbrush for you. If you liked Hospital X so much, why are you here?

4. The Drama Queen/Drama King
I have not even touched you yet. Stop screaming.

No, really. Stop screaming.

5. The Clever Boy
That joke was funny the first five thousand times I heard it. I’ve also heard witty quips about my hair, uniform and freckles more times than I can count. No, I will not kiss it and make it better, massage your bladder (*urk*) or take advantage of all the room in that nice big bed you’ve got. I am, in fact, your last chance for having a nurse. Everybody else on the floor has fired you. Behave.