The craziest thing a patient has ever said…

Nurses hear everything under the sun from patients—sweet sentiments, grouchy complaints and wacky thoughts that don’t always make a lot of sense!

We asked our Facebook fans for the craziest thing a patient has ever said and got a ton of responses; they’ll leave you baffled, laughing out loud and wanting more!

1. Two of my very confused patients were sitting quietly side by side when one turned to the other and said very clearly, “I feel like such an a#$hole just sitting here!”
—Lisa Blohm

2. I was taking care of an elderly man post-op who was confused. He asked me, “When can I get out of this truck?” I reminded him that he was in his hospital room, and he replied, “They backed the truck into a hospital room? Oh, we’re in trouble now!”
—Sharon Akeroyd Woolever

3. I had a 20-something-year-old male tell me that he was in the ER because he thought he had a vaginal infection.
—Abigail Millikan

4. A confused patient once said: “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar!”
—Michelle Cotta Gostanian

5. My 86-year-old patient came to see me at the desk, saying, “I think I’ve got a problem.” I replied, “What’s wrong, my dear?” She said, “I think I’m pregnant.”
—Maj Banatao

6. From a 350-pound-plus white patient: “I’m a 120-pound black CIA operative working undercover in this bodysuit to bring this place down from the inside.”
—Eric Wojcik

7. Two old ladies were walking together around the dementia floor for hours. One of them complained that her legs hurt, but the other kept motivating her: “Keep going, we’re getting closer to the exit!”
—Bozena Myrda

8. On my first day as a new RN, I had an elderly man with terminal cancer. In an attempt to make him more comfortable, I offered to change the position of his bed. But I was so new that I didn’t even know how to do that, and said, “I’m sorry, Mr. X, but I don’t know how to use the bed.” He quickly replied, “Don’t tell me you don’t know how to use the bed…I see you’re wearing a wedding ring. You know how to use a bed just fine.” I’ll remember that guy forever!
—Carisa Vincent

‎9. An actual phone call to my ER today: “I think I swallowed my upper dentures. I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find them, so I must have swallowed them.”
—Tracey Adkins Walters

10. While I was giving a confused patient a bath, she asked me to please stop rubbing that catfish on her face!
—Samantha Relyea Coley

What’s the craziest thing a patient has ever said to you? Leave it in the comments section and we might publish it in a future article!