The all-new, totally honest nurse job application

Welcome to the all-new, totally honest nurse job application for Giganto Hospital Corp., Inc., LLP. We pride ourselves on “telling it like it is.” If you qualify to be on our elite staff of incredibly malleable nurses, please note that initial training, complete with obstacle course and people poking you with sharp sticks, will begin six weeks from tomorrow.
STEP 1: Your Vitals

Please tell us:

• Your Name
• Date of Birth
• Your Email
• Facebook username

STEP 2: Your Privates

Now tell us:

• Your real Facebook username (you know, the secret one where you share private stuff with your friends. Please accept our friend request immediately.)
• Your Twitter handle (we can’t wait to follow you!)
• The URL of the “anonymous” tumblr blog you run

STEP 2: Your Experience

Please list relevant job experience, most recent first. If you think something will be relevant, you’re probably wrong (unless it involved herding cats, mucking out elephant habitats at the zoo or singlehandedly saving cruise ships from disaster at the hands of aliens), but list it anyhow.

STEP 3: Your Education

Please list relevant education, most recent first. Note that “relevant education” means “only things directly related to nursing.” You get no credit from us for having a master’s degree in finance or a bachelor’s in English, or being a Rhodes scholar.

STEP 4: Your Talents

Tell us what special talents you could bring to our organization. Examples include herding cats, mucking out elephant habitats, defeating alien invasions and making really strong coffee.

STEP 5: Your Work Flexibility

A. Are you willing to work nights? Check one:
Yes
Yes

B. How often would you be willing to work swing shifts (alternating days and nights)? Check one:
Always
Always

C. How often would you be willing to work mandatory overtime? Check one:
Always
Always

D. How often would you be willing to go without lunch? Check one:
Always
Always

E. How often do you expect to be able to urinate during a 12-hour shift? Check one:
Never
Never

F. Do you expect to see your family during the next year? Check one:
Not really
Not at all

STEP 6: Your Willingness to Bite Your Tongue

Please measure your tongue. Indicate, in centimeters, how long it is and how much of it you would be willing to bite off in order to keep quiet in the presence of doctors and administrators.

STEP 7: Your Multi-Tasking Capabilities 

How well do you function as a combined waitress, cleaning crew, secretary and general factotum?

STEP 8: Your Mental State 

Are you reasonably sane and well-adjusted? How long do you expect that state of affairs to continue?

STEP 9: Our Message. To You.

Thank you for your application to Giganto Hospital Corp., Inc., LLP.

Please be aware that we receive many applications and therefore cannot respond personally to every applicant. Those applicants who are fresh out of school yet have 10 years of relevant experience will be contacted first.

Inspired by Allie Brosh’s Better Pain Scale.