Resolutions, schmezolutions: 9 resolutions no nurse would ever make

Does anybody even make New Year’s resolutions anymore? Isn’t everybody perfect by now? I thought that was how it worked: You resolved a few things every year, and by the time you hit 30, boom! Perfect.

No? Well, anyway, here are some resolutions I can guarantee no nurse will be making this year, listed from #9 down to #1.

9. I resolve to work more. I simply can’t get enough of those twelve- or sixteen-hour shifts.

8. I resolve to stop farting on my coworkers. Seriously, isn’t that what med rooms are for?

7. I resolve to not eat donuts, no matter how stressed I am. Donuts are love, people. Donuts are life itself sometimes.

6. Similarly, I resolve to not eat whatever that is that’s in the break room, without regard for how long it’s been there. No judgment here; you do what you gotta do.

5. I promise not to side-eye, throw shade, do the scleral shuffle or otherwise nonverbally communicate my exasperation with doctors. Instead, I will…what? Toss them out the window?

4. I resolve to stop one-upping non-healthcare workers’ “gross” stories at parties. Really? Is that the best you’ve got? Let me tell you about the time….

3. I resolve to shower the love and affection on my management and administrative teams that they so richly deserve. No comment.

2. I resolve not to backstock, hide, squirrel away or otherwise stash pieces of equipment or supplies that are always hard to find. If I did that, the unit would grind to a halt.

1. I resolve to get up 10 minutes earlier every day, iron my scrubs, put on tasteful and restrained makeup, and do my hair. This is why you’re a nurse: scrubs don’t need to be ironed!