Nursing: fantasy versus reality

You know those medical shows? The ones with the handsome doctors, beautiful residents, snarky-yet-warmhearted unit secretaries and endless drama? Don’t you just love them?

Yeah, me neither. I used to watch “McDreamy’s Adventures in Malpracticeland,” but I always ended up throwing my wine bottle at the television about halfway through, which was detrimental both to my television-purchasing budget and my wine consumption.

So when the fine folks here at Scrubs asked me what I’d do differently if I were producing a hit show about a hospital, I jumped at the chance to finally make my dream cast list public.

Cast for Sunnydale: Healthcare for the Hellmouth:

Our heroine would be a petite, blond charge nurse with a reputation for slaying arrogant administrators and doctors. She would be independent, intelligent, sharp-tongued and able to face even the biggest bedpan disaster with aplomb.

Her immediate group of friends would consist of a sweet, slightly clueless new nurse with a talent for unscrewing tightly connected IV hubs; an older, cynical patient-care aide with a nifty accent and shelves full of antique nursing adventure novels; and a sarcastic charge nurse with a heart of gold. In Season 3, the charge nurse would finally be recognized and lauded for saving the heroine’s bacon at least once during every episode. This would be the only character remotely like their real-life counterpart.

Minor characters would be the noble, selfless doctor; the obnoxious-but-brilliant doctor; the nursing colleague who can never be found and is usually charting in a bathroom stall; the well-intentioned but bumbling nurse or doctor who provides comic relief; and a couple of guys with undefined jobs who are just there for eye candy.

The villains would have to be a shadowy, ill-defined group of surveyors and hospital administrators who, through the use of a series of rapidly-killed-off cat’s-paws and plans that defy logic, attempt to keep our heroine and her friends from getting lunch or giving report on time. Where most dramas have explosions and gunfire, this one would have true-to-life scenarios involving stuck elevators, beds that won’t go down and slow-moving floor polishers.

Hollywood, you call me!