By Them (about something not too out of the way, or even very serious): “My doctor said that this was the worst case of Whatever he’d ever seen.”
Me: “That’s terrible. You know, your doctor lost a patient last week to a mild case of Whatever.”
Them: “Mrs. Name-Drop, a prominent donor to your hospital, is a dear, dear friend of mine.”
Me (without inflection): “How nice for you.”
Them (while playing Candy Crush and eating Cheetos): “My pain is a 12 out of 10.”
Me (sympathetically): “That’s too bad. I can’t do anything for 12 out of 10 pain; my medicines only work up to 10 out of 10.”
Them: “You nurses just enjoy hurting people.”
Me: “And what makes it even better is that we get paid for it!”
Them: “You’re not doing that [simple, common procedure] right! That’s not right!”
Me (doing procedure correctly): “I had no idea you’re a nurse, too! Where did you graduate from?”
Them (a morbidly obese, multiple-amputee patient with an A1C of 12): “Whatever it is you’re doing right now is wrong and bad, and I’m going to report you to the authorities and my lawyer.”
Me (at the end of my rope): “So when, exactly, did you start to care so much about your health?”
