A hilarious “nursing diet”

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I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of Atkins, South Beach, Intuitive Eating and every other diet out there. The creators of these diets assume that we have time to put together healthy, tasty meals and eat them at leisure. They also assume that we all have time to get 30 to 60 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise a day. Those of us who are stuck in a hospital 12 to 16 hours a day know this isn’t true.

Therefore, I present:

The Nursing Diet*

*Not meant to replace the advice of the latest diet guru. Not guaranteed to reduce weight, lower blood pressure, reduce cardiovascular risk factors or clear up your skin. Do not submerge in water; clean only with a soft cloth and mild cleaning solution. TT&L not included.

Day 1 Breakfast:
One hard-boiled egg
Black coffee
One slice of whole-grain toast with one teaspoon of creamy peanut butter
Six donut holes from the breakroom

Day 1 Morning Snack:
Every time a doctor asks, “Where’s the chart?” eat two Fun Size Snickers. Every time a doctor asks, “Where’s the chart?” six months after you’ve gone to a paperless system, eat three Fun Size Snickers.

Day 1 Lunch:
Romaine salad with grilled chicken and low-fat dressing
Six ounces sugar-free fruit yogurt
Two large spoonfuls of that mystery casserole in the doctors’ lounge

Day 1 Afternoon Snack:
For every patient turned and repositioned in one hour, six barbecue potato chips

Day 1 Dinner:
One 750-ml bottle of Goats Do Roam Cabernet

Day 2 Breakfast:
One scrambled egg rolled with one slice low-fat cheese in a flour tortilla
One medium apple
A handful of slightly stale microwave popcorn and two aspirin

Day 2 Morning Snack:
Somebody else’s ham sandwich from the fridge. Remember: If it’s not dated and initialed, it has no calories!

Day 2 Lunch:
Skip. You’re busy with an intubation.

Day 2 Afternoon Snack:
You know those hot dogs from the shop downstairs? Get one. Consider it briefly, then decide you’ve probably tempted fate enough today, what with that ham sandwich.

Day 2 Dinner:
One frozen burrito (do not microwave!) and a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke

Day 3:
Eat only what you can buy from the vending machines

Day 4:
Who am I kidding? At this point, you’re in a fog and will likely consume anything that’s standing still or moving slowly. The only rule for this day is that you have to chase down anything you intend to turn into a meal. That way, you’ll burn off the calories from those Snickers bars.

Day 5:
Free day: All the residents’ souls you can eat.