Categories: Scrubs

Murphy’s nurse

Why handwriting matters…

The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, masked and gone into that isolation room.
The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid….
Staffing will gladly send you three aides—but you have to float two of your RNs.
As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

Forgetfulness…

You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end of the wing.
Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the boss is watching.
As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances, all with cardiac arrests!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses’ desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help.
Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges).
The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed.

Everything you need but…

The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi-qualified idiot.
Corollary: You hear about the perfect job the day after you accept another one.
If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
Despite an apartment littered with clothes, the dog will always sleep on the one clean uniform that you had laid out the night before.
When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse’s notes have not been written.
When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it’s that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
Fire drills always occur on your day from hell—or at the end of a 12-hour shift when you have an important date.
The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive five minutes before closing: “I thought I’d feel better.”