If you think THAT’S crazy, let me tell you about the time when…

iStock | mtr

Nurses have the best stories, though 99% of the population would be both shocked and appalled to hear them. So a nurse has really gotta know his or her audience. Unless, of course, you’re aiming for this:

Or this:

But hey—at least you know that, here at ScrubsMag, anything goes. Well—most things, at least. And we like to think that our Funny Nurses Facebook page is all the more interesting for it.

Even so, we had a hunch that things could get even weirder, so we posed a pretty precarious question: What’s the most shocking thing you’ve ever seen while on the job?

Needless to say, there are no words. Unless you count “we salute you,” for doing what others can’t. Or, you know—won’t.

1. “Ready???? At my first nursing home job, I walked in to one resident having (consensual) sex with another resident… Via her colostomy stoma. He said it was tighter than the other orifices… She did it for a pack of cigarettes. Been nursing 15 years…. Haven’t seen anything like it since. Top that!” —Stacey C.

2. “We had a man come in the ER with a gerbil still attached to his penis….that’s a whole another ball game.” —Kaitlyn L.

3. “I was an ER nurse for many years and one night I was in triage when a naked man came in wrapped in Christmas lights” —Chris M. 

4. “One evening when I was working, a young man came in the ambulance entrance and walked up to me and dropped him amputated hand into my gloved hands. It was successfully reattached.” —Evelyn C.

5. “A young male patient having a good time to my FB profile pic, which he made the screensaver on his laptop.”—Stephanie F.

6. “I had a confused elderly patient admitted to the Med/surg floor with AMS and UTI. I heard this weird crinkly noise while I was doing her skin assessment and found a potato she was using as a pessary and Rice Krispies in her vagina. Snap. Crackle. Pop.” —Kelsey S.

7. “Years ago, as a new nurse I had a pt who was a young woman dx with sepsis. Fever, the whole bi. Blood cultures showed Candida. There was an odor in the room that would kill a buzzard. She did mention that her hoo hah had been itching for a while… So the doctor ordered a Gyn consult. She mentioned that she used a diaphragm. He asked her what kind of jelly she used, thinking maybe she was allergic to it. Her answer: grape…I thought the doctor was gonna levitate right out of the chair. 22 years later, I still get dumbfounded thinking about that.” —Tracey A. 

8. “On a med-surg floor we had to lift a very confused geriatric patient back to bed. His left toes were all completely black. As we where coming into the room he reached over to his left big gangrenous toe, popped it off his foot and put it in his mouth. And yes, we heard a distinct snap. We could not get his mouth open before he swallowed the toe. That was hard to take.” —Cliff R.

9. “When I was doing prac at a busy city ER a guy on ice came in via ambulance with an oar up his rectum. Yep, a boat oar…the kind with a “T” on the end. Also, another guy came in with his wedding ring firmly stuck around the base of his penis.” —Kathryn S.

10. “A 90-year-old lady with a light bulb in her vajay-jay.” —Holly S.