Humorous November horoscopes for nurses

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What does November hold for you, dear nurse? Read on for a (completely made-up) look into your future….

Magical Unicorn (April 1–November 2): A Foley catheter is in your future! The stars aren’t clear whether it’s yours or someone else’s. Just to be on the safe side, keep a close eye on your finances and your urethra this month.

Everlasting Gobstopper (May 3–June 15): The stars don’t favor travel this month. Get where you need to go by riding an IV pole or using a patient-assistance device. Avoid elevators; take the stairs. Double-check the soles of your shoes for ball bearings.

Twinkly Genius (mid-July–mid-October): The Moon has moved into your House of Klutz. Be cautious around slippery surfaces, sharp objects and peanut butter. Use tact when dealing with large lizards.

Forever Amber (August 13–November 32): Dreams can often give us valuable insights into our own motivations and the motivations of others. Beware of dreams involving parking garages and circus tents; an enemy is at work behind your back. Make time for labeling all IV lines, even those that are not yours.

Furry Woodland Creature (December 14–February 2): Jupiter in your sign means you’re up for a big promotion, a climb up the ladder or a new adventure. Buy new socks. Keep an eye out for dirigibles, a good omen for your sign.

Slightly Twisted Pantyhose (March 4–September 31): If things aren’t going your way right now, don’t despair! Mercury moving polkagrade in your House of Wobble means the beat will pick up soon. Meanwhile, eat plenty of chocolate.

Hound of Heck (mid-March–end of August): Those who never fail never try. Who says you can’t leave work on a rope made of sheets through a back window? Just be certain your backup parachute is packed correctly.

Battering Ram (July 30–June 12): If at first you don’t succeed, this month is an excellent time to say, “Blast it all” and move to an island somewhere. Also, be sure to deadhead your roses and apply black-spot preventative.