10 evolutionary wishes for nurses

Animals grew limbs if they needed them and developed lungs to live on the ground. Some changed colors to blend into the fauna, while others developed serious defense mechanisms, like the quills on a porcupine.

So, as evolution continues, perhaps the perfect nurse will evolve from the simple human she is right now. And here’s what this new creature would have:

1. A 50-gallon bladder
Have you ever tried doing CPR when you really, really, REALLY needed to pee? Enough said.

2. Fingers that detect temperature readings and are able to switch between Fahrenheit and Celsius
No more searching for thermometers and no more “What was his temp again?” No more frustration because the electronic thermometer wasn’t charged, no more searching for said thermometer and, if you work in an area that still uses glass thermometers, no more having them fly out of your fingers as you try to shake them down.

3. Retractable rollers under the feet
These rollers would allow the nurse to zip from one end of the hall to the other with minimal effort. They would have adjustable speeds: fast, faster and Code Blue.

4. Adjustable olfactory senses
Sometimes, being able to smell odors is a little too much for a nurse. We really don’t want to be able to tell if a patient has c. diff just by the smell of it. Seriously.

5. Four hands
We really would want more, but where would we put them? This wish is self-explanatory.

6. A hard-drive brain with ever-expanding memory
This would be awesome. Sitting in report, we would remember everything we are told about our patients without having to write anything down (and then having to decipher our handwriting). We would be able to rattle off lab results and observations when the attending pops out of nowhere and wants to know what’s going on. Yup. Awesome.

7. An internal translation system
Not only would we be able to translate from any language to any language, but we would also be able to understand mumbling and doctor-speak. That would be a major feat in itself.

8. Arms capable of lifting the heaviest patient
No more having to find rooms with ceiling lifts or portable Hoyer lifts. The super-nurse would be able to grab any patient and lift him safely.

9. Psychic powers
Wouldn’t it be nice to know exactly what time the doctor will come in so the family in 345 will stop asking? What about knowing if a patient is going to crash just before you’re about to start a complicated dressing on another patient? Psychic powers would go a long way to helping us organize our days a bit better.

10. A sense of humor
It’s hard to get through some of our stressful days. A sense of humor and the ability to put things into perspective can make these days bearable. But if you think about it, we don’t need the future for this. This is one thing we can do right now. Are you game?