Doctor orders I’d like to see…

Ever wish the doctor was a little more realistic in giving his or her orders?

Check out these new and improved doctors’ orders I’d like to see (now with 30% fewer acronyms, guaranteed!).

This post inspired by Allie Brosh’s Better Pain Scale.

Doctors’ orders I’d like to see…

1. NOW: Pt to ambulate c nursing TID

NEW VERSION: Nursing to chase pt around floor with sharp stick TID

2. NOW: Suction Q4h and PRN

NEW VERSION: Just call respiratory therapy randomly throughout the day. They enjoy that sort of thing

3. NOW: Diet: Low fat, low cholesterol, low salt, carb-controlled to 75g/day

NEW VERSION: Diet: sawdust, kale, and steamed tofu TID

4. NOW: Discharge once patient allows testing and therapies (yes, I got that order last week!)

NEW VERSION: Place Queen Of All She Surveys crown on pt. Genuflect when entering room. Do not disturb at all for any therapies or tests whatsoever. Nurse to drop peeled grapes into pt’s mouth PRN

5. NOW: Coumadin 2.5 mg PO x 1 Tues and Thurs, 5 mg PO x 1 Friday and Sunday, 4 mg PO x 1 Monday and Wednesday, also alternate Sundays

NEW VERSION: Place all Coumadin tablets in one bottle. Shake vigorously. Put right foot in, right foot out, shake foot all about. Turn self around. Choose tablet at random and insert into orifice of your choice. Return 2 wks for blood tests

6. NOW: Serum lipids STAT (1230, after lunch), Folate levels STAT, Platelet agg STAT, Homocysteine STAT, all timed labs and send-outs STAT. CBC c diff, metabolic profile, H&H (which would be useful as the patient is bleeding/crumping/whatevering) prerounds on next Thursday

NEW VERSION: MD to return to school STAT and PRN