Craziest Patient Stories That Will Keep You Up at Night

Nursing isn’t for the faint of heart. If you don’t believe us, just read these outrageous stories from our Facebook page “Funny Nurses”. We asked providers all over the country to share their craziest patient stories. From surprise body parts to unruly individuals who never seem to know where they are, life is rarely boring when you work in a hospital or long-term care facility.  

If you think your job is tough, take a look at all the insanity your colleagues have to deal with.

Warning: reader discretion is advised.

Barry Ferenbach:

“Was putting a patient’s eye drops in and got a massive fright when her eye fell out. Luckily, it turned out to be a false eye which I didn’t know she had.”

Gill McNeil:

“As a practice nurse when a patient thought it would be amusing to put a fake eyeball in her vagina so that it was looking at me when I approached with my speculum. I was not amused, shell shocked would be more accurate.”

Lauren Burrell:

“Had a fresh postpartum patient ask if she could play with her dildo. She had just had a vagina delivery ??‍♀️ When I said no, she replied… ‘but I have condoms for it.’

Gary Baron:

“I had a patient who had her appendix removed and she unpicked her stitches so her partner could stick his penis in the open abdomen wound.”

Becci Kathryn:

“Friend of mine had a patient with two tortoise ? in shopping bags she’d been carrying around since admission- no one noticed where all her salad was going for two days ?”

Sakura Winter:

“Toss up between the patient who wrapped her poop up in quality street wrappers and offered them box and all to everyone. Or the night I was working a casual shift in a geris ward (I usually work in Pediatric Active Enhanced Disease Surveillance (PAEDS)) and went to round on my patients and found a male patient with his d**k in a sleeping female’s wide open snoring mouth! When I stopped in shock, he whispered, “Shhhhh!” ???

Hayley Cullen:

“I had a patient on nights that sat upright in bed and kept smiling at me on rounds. I could see he had something all in his teeth and lips. Then I had this feeling of dread thinking, oh no, is it poo? Got my pocket torch out and, no, he disconnected his blood transfusion and was drinking from the end of it covering the tip with his thumb in between sips. ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️ Mortified was an understatement.”

Erica Aaron Ester:

“I was walking past a patient sitting in a wheelchair. He asked if I could please help him with something. I said ‘of course.’ He proceeded to lift his bariatric gown and asked me to lift his testicles off the floor and place them on the wheelchair. I have many more but that’s my favorite ?”

Angela Scioli:

“Had a young lady convince a nurse that she was psychic by telling him what color underwear he was wearing…turns out he had a hole in his pants lol.”

Tedd Perry:

“Spending 10 min looking for a TV remote, only to ‘find’ it, in the folds of the patient’s breast!!”

Noy Canlas:

“Been stressing and looking for the 2nd pair of slippers under the bed to assist the patient, and realized the other leg has just been recently amputated.”

Kathleen Licci:

“I asked a patient to give a urine sample so I could check her sugar. She came back with an empty cup. I asked her if she peed. She said, ‘Yep,’ and there was no sugar in her pee, I asked how she knew that. She said, ‘I drank it and there’s no sugar in it.’ Lol, I worked in a psychiatric hospital. ?”

Nurses see a lot of crazy things during their time on the floor, but it’s their patience and good sense of humor that gets them through the day. As Penny Flint put it, “Don’t nurses have the BEST (and warped) sense of humor?! Have to.” Thanks to everyone that shared a story on Facebook. More craziness to come.