Chief Muckety-Muck’s new initiatives: an April Fool’s Day satire

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Greetings! As we prepare to enter fiscal year 2015 on April 15, I would like to inform you of some initiatives to better optimize throughput and incentivize patient care quality measures.

1. Conflict of Interest Disclosure: All employees will be required to complete and submit a Conflict of Interest Disclosure Form (Form COI336J9M, see link) prior to 4/15. Conflicts of interest include, but are not limited to, outside paid or unpaid employment, outside hobbies involving or not involving health care, outside life including or not including family or pets, and/or breathing while outside of work.

2. Improved Charting System: Rollout of the new, improved charting system will start at midnight on 4/14. Please remember that during downtime, you will be required to chart on paper. When the system restarts, be sure the information on paper charts is entered, back-dated and back-timed, into the system. Also, please be sure to chart what you’re charting and when you’re charting it in the new system, as well as why you’re charting what you’re charting. Reasons for charting will require a co-sign by another healthcare professional.

3. Hospital-wide Patient Satisfaction Initiative: Stop by our booth by the employee elevators and meet Mister Puff-N-Fluff! Press-Ganey scores have been stalled in the last quarter, so Mister Puff-N-Fluff will be rounding daily on all units. Rounds will start 4/2. Employees are reminded that Mister Puff-N-Fluff’s giant pillow costume is not a violation of the dress code.

4. Parking Garage: Refurbishment of the parking garage is underway and expected to be completed in the second half of 2018. In the interim, all employees must park in Lot 2. There will be a shuttle provided daily, except on weekends, alternate Thursdays, during weather events such as rain or sunrise, and during the last quarter of the moon. The shuttle begins running at 6:50 am and will run every 20 minutes until 4:32 pm. Please be advised that clock-in time is 6:38. Tardies relating to shuttle service or parking will not be excused.

As we move forward into F2015, I remain confident that our fabulous healthcare team will continue to provide the utmost in patient satisfaction to our guests!

C. Muckety, CEO