Are nurses vampires or zombies?

The two most popular memes these days are vampires and zombies, driven by movies like Twilight and TV shows like The Walking Dead. I saw vampire costumes everywhere this past Halloween and almost went as a zombie nurse myself — until a friend pointed out that it would be redundant.

So which are we: blood-sucking undead sunlight-phobic sociopaths or brain-eating undead decaying sociopaths?

I have reached no firm conclusion, but I do have the following evidence to support the notion that nurses might be the world’s first zombie/vampire hybrids:

• Vampires go out at night. So does half the nursing workforce in this country.
• Vampires are generally pretty strange. So is half the nursing workforce in this country.
• Vampires get a charge out of the sight of blood. Nurses do, too, especially if it’s not blood we have to clean up or be responsible for.
• Vampires, at least according to the old movies, wear the same darn thing every day: suit, tie and cape. Nurses wear the same darn thing every day: scrubs, sensible shoes, minimal jewelry. That our daily uniform often has printed teddy bears on it merely acts as camouflage.
• Vampires don’t eat what normal humans eat. Neither do nurses—ever seen what comes out of a hospital cafeteria?
• Zombies groan, shuffle and often have bits falling off of them. Take a look at the next career nurse you see, especially toward the end of the shift, and see if there isn’t a parallel there.
• Zombies are unstoppable. So are nurses. Just try to keep us from getting out the door at 7:15.
• Zombies speak a language that’s understandable only to other zombies. Whether it’s “GRONK. SNAAAR. GRUUUUUTCH!” or “So then, she tells me that the MAP ought to stay above 65, and I’m all, what? A MAP above 65 with a CVP like this one? And what about the ICP?” it’s the same effect.
• Zombies don’t have the best fashion sense. (I’m just going to leave that there.)
• Zombies often are less than fresh at the end of the day/marauding/human-hunting. There’s a reason nurses hit the showers first thing when they get home, and it’s not because they fear germs.

I’ve yet to meet a nurse who sparkles in the sunlight or transforms into a big shaggy dog. If I do, I’ll let you know. For now, though, I’m popping popcorn and waiting for the first big nurse-themed horror movie to hit the dollar theater.