A better Press Ganey survey

Did we do well on your last visit to the hospital? As a hospital, our mission—nay, our entire being, our reason for living—is wrapped up in whether you think we did a Very Good job at hospitalizing you. Please answer the questions below:

1. Did your nurses communicate new information in a timely manner and in language you understood?

a. What nurses?
b. Yes, but I would rather they had been younger with a bit more cleavage. Do they HAVE to wear those scrubs?
c. Absolutely. They changed my life. I will now spend every waking moment singing the praises of those dedicated angels.

2. Was the hospital quiet?

a. If by “quiet” you mean “the  party in 309 died down about 2:30 in the morning,” then yes.
b. It was relatively quiet until Ellen came on TV. Then the shrieking began.
c. It was silent as the womb. I appreciated the nurses who would tiptoe in during the night to check my vitals.

3. Was the food hot, tasty and delivered on time?

a. The only thing I was offered to eat was dry, stale bread and tepid water.
b. I don’t understand why I couldn’t get a double-cheese pizza with extra bacon on a heart-healthy diet.
c. The poached eggs and salmon every morning were divine, and I’d like to know the name of the monk who individually roasted each coffee bean that was ground for my morning cup.

4. Were employees respectful and compassionate? Did you feel well cared for?

a. I suppose they were fine, although I never saw anyone during my entire stay.
b. Pretty much. I mean, it was a hospital stay, right?
c. From the first to the last, everyone there seemed ready to lay down their lives for me. Even the woman with the wheelchair who came to discharge me insisted on giving me a foot rub first. It was the most pampered I’ve ever been, and I’ll be back next week.

Inspired by Allie Brosh, creator of the Better Pain Scale.