10 of the most memorable things your patients have ever said!

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Patients say the darndest things…are we right?! So we asked our Funny Nurses Facebook fans for the most memorable, over-the-top things their patients have ever said to them. Check out their hilarious responses below and get ready to LAUGH!

1. I had a patient in for a street drug overdose. I offered him a Coke and he replied, “No, I try to stay away from caffeine… that stuff’s so bad for you!”
—Andrea S.

2. In my second semester of nursing school, I was giving an elderly man an enema. He laughed and said, “It’s alright, honey. You’ve gotta start somewhere. You’re just starting at the bottom.”
—Heather L. 

3. I once had a patient ask what time her autopsy was scheduled for…
—Kelli B. 

4. “A woman must have invented the IV machine…’cause all it does is beep and nag.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or be offended!
—Angie C. 

5.  A woman asked me if I could remove some urine from her catheter so she can use it as eye drops. Apparently she had been doing it for years.
—Kiddo W.

6. “The herbs in Hot Pockets made me overweight!”
—Tracy A. 

7. Patient to me: “I can’t sleep.” Me: “I can get you something to help you sleep.” Patient: “Do you have breast milk? It’s soothing and it always puts me to sleep.” Me in my head: “Okay, whatever you say!”
—Skerritt A. 

8. I worked for an oxygen company and a lady wanted her oxygen concentrator picked up. When I asked why, she said, “I don’t want to get addicted to it, I want to be able to breathe without oxygen.” I had to put her on hold so I could compose myself. All I could think of to say was, “Too late!”
—Christina S.

9. “I have had “very close veins” (varicose veins) for years.”
— Keren B.

10. Five-year-old girl. While we were holding her down to draw labs, she said, “My mom’s gonna kick your butt!”
—Richard F.

What’s the most over-the-top thing a patient’s ever said to you?

Interested in more stories to help you beat your stress? Check out our Nurse’s Survival Guide!