10 MORE over-the-top things your patients have said

We started thinking that you have probably heard your own great lines, so we asked you over at our Facebook Funny Nurses page. And boy, you didn’t disappoint! Check out 10 of the top comments you’ve heard below. (Warning: Some of these are a bit risqué, as you may guess!)

“I had a pt in for a street drug overdose… I offered him a Coke, and his reply? ‘No, I try to stay away from caffeine… That stuff’s so bad for you!'”
—Andrea G.

“During a bed bath, a confused patient thought another nurse and I were stewardesses and said, ‘This is the strangest flight I’ve ever been on.'”
—Valerie G.

“Second semester of nursing school, I was giving an elderly man an enema. He laughed and said, ‘It’s all right, honey. You’ve gotta start somewhere. You’re just starting at the bottom.'”
—Heather H.

“A patient told me he has urinary leakage. When I asked him if he used adult briefs, he replied, ‘No, I just tie my foreskin in a knot.’ During physical exam, his statement was confirmed!”
—Melanie P.

“I had an older man tell me he had this big belly because he was having an elephant. I said, ‘Oh really?’ and he asked me if I wanted to see its trunk….”
—Angie C.

“I once had a patient ask what time her autopsy was scheduled for….”
—Kelli B.

One old fem pt, while I was completing her hygiene care, told me her pet name for her vagina was ‘Parker’…I, of course, had to ask why, and she replied, ‘Because my husband always used to have his penis parked there!'”
—Justine D.

“Flu season in the nursing home so ANY symptom got TPR. Taking rectal temp on a demented female patient who had laxity of the jaw and could not close her mouth for an oral and she says, ‘G*d damn you, Jack, get that thing out off my butt!’ We regained composure and asked her if Jack was her husband’s name. She replies, ‘No, Jack’s my neighbor, why?’ It has been 20 years and I still remember that!”
—Laura M.

“My penis hurts!” (female patient)
—Travis R.

“I brought a patient a Norco for a headache and he told me, ‘These don’t look like the ones I buy on the street!!!’ I told him, ‘Sir, we have a different supplier.'”
—Kris W.